I’ve read quite a lot of articles around how to make friends at work, or how succeed based on good form and manners. I’ve even wrote a few myself. It’s not hard to find a lot of content around that topic, and to be honest it’s not hard to write about it either.
Do you know why? Because we all know or suspect which things we should not do to make people unhappy or angry. Even if you don’t make a list with those things, you know exactly what can tick you off and you can assume that if it bothers you, it will bother others. You then avoid doing those things and assume that by doing that you’re avoiding bothering other people’s discomfort.
The basic principle on writing an article on becoming a good co-worker is knowing what NOT to do at your work-place. We’re more used to writing and reading about how to avoid those. Lots of smart advice around that everywhere.
As a lot has been said around this, I thought why not write about those things from a different perspective: let’s say you do want to make people unhappy at work and you prefer to be left alone so nobody bothers you, talks to you or even acknowledges you. What would you need to do?
Based on the paragraphs above all you need to do is ignore every possible advice that’s been written on how to become a good co-worker, respect office politics and such. Just avoid all of them. The following list will help you.
1. Be disrespectful. Do not mind if others say “hi”, “please” or “thank you”. Do not pay attention to anyone who opens a door for you or offers help. If possible, use as much space as you can on common areas, leave everything untidy and dirty and make improper jokes all the time. Get touchy.
2. Laugh at others. You know how you wanted to say those jokes about how someone dresses? Well, go ahead. Religion, sexuality or politics? All good. Whenever you find something that you would normally avoid talking about, just make a joke about it and make certain to aim it at someone in the office, then just laugh.
3. Ignore housekeeping rules. Not just talking about cleaning after your own mess, which you evidently won’t do if you want to get some hate. It’s also about “not shouting in the office”, and “do not eat in your desks” or even “don’t use the printer for personal matters”. Shout, eat and print bibles. The more the better.
4. Always be late. No matter if it’s late for work, for a meeting or for lunch. Always make people wait on you. Show them you’re the one who cares, not them. Does everyone come at 8 AM? Well, just show up at 9.15. Is the meeting at 12? Tough luck, you won’t be ready till 12.55. The more they wait for you, the better.
5. Disagree with everyone and make a point out of it. It doesn’t matter if it’s your boss or your peer. Your point is always different to other people’s point and you’re entitled to your own opinion, are you not? Well, be certain to be on the opposite side of all conversations and be very, very vocal about that, always.
6. Hate the boss. Love the boss. You know what I mean right? Hate the boss in front of everyone BUT the boss, and when he or she is around, LOVE them. If someone says something bad about them and they are there, defend them. If the boss is nowhere to be seen, be the first one to take a stab at that person.
7. Break things. And make it in such a way it’s evident it was you but you can’t be blamed as in, write on a whiteboard using a permanent marker that’s later found on your desk. Show that you don’t care about Company assets, that you would first render something useless rather than sharing it.
8. Don’t share or give back things. If you have something that others don’t, keep it to yourself. If someone lent you something never give it back, no matter if it’s a stapler or a laptop, or even lunch money. People won’t ask you for those things back out of respect, which you obviously won’t have for them.
9. Be that person that everyone hates. If it’s a quiet office, be the loud guy. If it’s a team that’s used to celebrate everyone’s success with a lot of noise, be the person that complains about that. If everyone’s vegan, bring the juiciest steak you can, nuke it in the microwave and don’t clean afterwards.
10. Lie. The Mother of all “DON’Ts”, obviously the one you want to do the most and pay most attention to. Never tell the truth, not even by chance, not even when it’s beneficial. Lie as much as you can, lie about lying. Remember the only way to be a good lier is to lie constantly. Don’t let moral stop you.
Follow these 10 advices and pretty soon people won’t even come near you, talk to you or want to hang out with you. You’ll be left alone, pretty soon people will start complaining about you and your manager (if you have one) will need to make a decision: either try to help you change or get rid of you.
There’s a reason why this post is uncomfortable to read: all those things, we tend to avoid. We know them as the “dont’s”, and we’re used to denying doing them. I figured the best way to actually know what you don’t want to do, is first describe it, list it and then move on.
Avoid these 10 advices though and you might end up being a good example for others, a peer everyone can rely on, projecting a career based on trust and accomplishments, respected by others and supported by many.
The choice is yours, isn’t it?